Confessions of a Non-Trekkie

I spent most of my life as a closet nerd. Growing up in an athletic family and having a group of jock friends, I had to hide the fact that I was having geek tendencies in order to avoid ridicule. I pretended I was not going to LAN parties on weekends, I disguised my comic book reading, and I often cleared my browser history so no one would know I was visiting Star Wars fan sites.

Now, thanks to some therapy, I am comfortable with openly admitting that I am a complete nerd. My group of friends has changed and now the losers I hang out with actually try to out-geek one another. My shame has completely reversed and now I often feel bad for not being nerd enough. With the release of this weekend’s Star Trek, my trekkie friends are giddy with excitement and talk of the J.J. Abrams film has consumed much of our conversations lately. I smile and nod a lot, but it’s becoming harder and harder to disguise my secret: I have never seen a single episode of Star Trek.

I know, I know, it’s shameful. I haven’t even seen any of the films. This assertion all but discounts my insistence that I am a nerd. However, being that all of my trekkie friends are constantly quoting and referencing the infamous series, I am not completely in the dark.

Here are 10 things I know about Star Trek, simply from having Trekkie friends:


1) There is a Klingon language that sounds like somebody speaking Portugese while choking.

2) Data has the occasional awkward sexcapade.

3) At some point in the series/films, somebody dramatically shouts “KHAAAAAAAAAAN!”

4) The show featured William Shatner, Patrick Stewart, and Lavar Burton who have had successful careers in film and television.

5) It also featured Leonard Nimoy and George Takei, who have pretty much only done Star Trek.

6) Despite the show being off the air for some time there have been several attempts to re-vitalize the franchise with new film releases.

7) Nobody in the show really says “Beam me up, Scottie” kind of in the same way that no character in Casablanca actually says “Play it again, Sam.”

8) Holding your hand with the index and middle fingers together and the ring and pinky fingers together at the same time is called the Vulcan salute, something trekkies like to do. If you lower the ring finger it’s called the shocker, something trekkies will never do.

9) In the Star Trek universe, bowl cuts are cool.

10) The characters on Star Trek get laid more than the shows fans do.

Thank goodness that J.J. Abrams has constantly insisted that this Star Trek will be a new version of the franchise and if you have never started, now is the time.

How trekkie are you? Post a comment, or vote in the new poll!

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