Ricky Gervais Writes an Oscar Host Script for James Franco and Anne Hathaway

After the near outrage that was expressed by Hollywood publicists and celebrities after Ricky Gervais hosted this year’s Golden Globes, it may be a while before he is offered an Awards hosting gig again. The closest he may be able to get is to write imaginary potential scripts for the actual hosts who will continue to be chosen instead of him. On his personal blog, he has done just that.

On RickyGervais.com, Gervais wishes luck to hosts of the 83rd Annual Academy Awards James Franco and Anne Hathaway and then he offers them an opening if they need time to fill. It starts out like something you would expect Gervais to present himself, using sarcasm to skewer his idea of self-congratulatory Hollywood. It then turns almost wholly bitter as Gervais uses Franco and Hathaway to voice his own frustrations in his battle with A-list elite. Nevertheless, it remains hilarious and is a worthy read.

Check out a segment from the monologue below and the entire thing at Gervais’ blog.

JF
Hello and welcome to The 83rd Academy Awards,
Live from Los Angeles.

AH
That’s foreign for City of Angels.
And this room is certainly filled will those angels.

(Applause)

JF
Thank you. I’m James Franco.

AH
…and I’m Anne Hathaway.

JF
You probably know me from 127 Hours where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds “way out” but wait till half way through this fucking ceremony and you’ll start to identify with him.

AH
And I’m the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too.

JF
It’s a daunting task hosting The Oscars but we’re not alone. Presenting awards tonight will be a string of Hollywood legends and some other actors who have a film out in March or April.

JF
Usually they hire comedians to host The Oscars, but tonight, instead, you get us!

AH
No comedians tonight. And do you know why? Because comics are ugly.

JF
Especially that rude obnoxious one who played the Steve Carell part in the English remake of The Office.

AH
But you can all relax because Ricky Gervais is in London…

(Nervous laughter)

He’s doing some charity work.
Yeah, he’s visiting orphans with cancer.
He’s telling them what bald little losers they are…

JF
Yeah, cos he’s rude right?

(Applause)

Thank you.
No rudeness tonight.
It’s going to be a night of the most privileged people in the world being told how brilliant they are and thanking God for loving them more than ugly poor foreigners.

(Applause)

[Source: RickyGervais.com via Cinematical]

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  • Jose

    I could do with out the last part, but wow, that was awesome.

  • Andrew R.

    Jose, are you kidding? The last part of the script made it hysterical.

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